The bedtime routine

The bedtime routine is the most mundane thing in the whole subject — and the one that took me longest to get right. Not because it is complicated, but because it is easy to let slide.

What a routine actually does

It does not tire your child out. It does not particularly relax them either.

It announces. A sequence of always-identical events becomes, through repetition, a signal the brain eventually anticipates. After two or three weeks, drowsiness starts arriving during the routine, before the cot.

That is conditioning in the simplest sense of the word. And it is why the content barely matters and the order matters enormously.

The four rules

Short. Twenty to thirty minutes, bath included. Beyond that it stops being a signal and becomes an evening.

Always the same order. This is the only genuinely non-negotiable rule. Bath, pyjamas, book, song, lights out — or any other sequence, but the same one every night.

Always in the same direction. The routine must converge on the bedroom. You do not read in the living room after putting pyjamas on in the bedroom: every step should physically bring you closer to the cot.

Always the same ending. The last sentence, the last action, the last gesture. That is the exit point, and it needs to be unmistakable.

What I would do by age

0 – 3 months. Three elements are enough, over ten minutes: nappy change, feed in dim light, a song. At this age they “understand” nothing — but you are installing a habit that will serve you in six weeks.

3 – 12 months. Bath (not necessarily every night), pyjamas, feed, one book, a song, lights out. Twenty minutes. This is also the age at which you take the feed out of the very end, so it stops being the last thing before sleep.

12 – 24 months. Language comes into play. Announce each step in advance — “after the book, we turn the light off” — and allow a tiny, inconsequential choice: which pyjamas, which book. Two options, not five. That gives a sense of control without opening a negotiation.

After 2 years. Add a visual anchor if getting out of bed sets in: a small sheet with the four or five steps drawn on it. Then it is not you giving the order, it is the sheet — and you do not argue with a sheet.

The five traps

The routine that grows. One more book, one more song, a glass of water. Two minutes gained every evening. After a month the routine lasts fifty minutes and bedtime has become a negotiation. The fix is simple: decide the number in advance and announce it. “Two books tonight” — and then two books.

The feed at the very end. Falling asleep at the breast or on a bottle is pleasant for everyone, and it creates an association your baby will ask for again at every cycle end. After four months, move the feed to the start of the routine rather than the end.

Screens. Screen light delays melatonin, and the content stimulates. Nothing in the hour before, at any age.

A different routine depending on the parent. Everyone has their own way, and that is understandable. But if dad does three books and mum does a song, the signal is blurred. Agree on the sequence — the tone can differ, the order cannot.

The routine abandoned on difficult evenings. Those are precisely the evenings it serves best. A tired, wound-up or ill child needs even more to know what is coming next.

The days it does not fit

A restaurant, guests, coming home from a trip: the full routine is impossible.

Keep a compressed version — two elements, in the same order, five minutes. Pyjamas and the song. What matters is that the sequence stays recognisable, not that it is complete.

That is also why a simple routine beats an elaborate one: a forty-minute routine with massage, oils and three books does not survive a weekend at the grandparents. A twenty-minute one does.

How long before it works

Two to three weeks for it to become a signal. And the day it takes, you can see it: their eyes start closing during the second book, with nothing having changed.

That is the moment bedtime stops being something you impose and becomes something that simply happens.